lunes, junio 15, 2020

What If I'm Not Specialized On Anything? And Being Too Young

In December I finished my last year of college and graduated as a journalist. Studying journalism had crossed my mind since I can remember what I wanted to do with my “adult” life. After 4 years, my idea of ​​journalism was not the same as when I first saw "The life of David Gale" and convinced myself that journalism was important because the stories it told mattered and deserved to be heard. And journalism was the possibility of not only telling those stories, but also bringing them to a large audience that, if it were not for the media, would not find out that certain things are happening, and, furthermore, could lead to action, to make an actual change. I always saw journalism as a service, I believed it was a way to help, to leave a mark. I think that basically all my career options were aimed at helping others: from studying social services to flight attendant. At the root was an act of service to another human being. But, as with most things in life, there is a stretch from saying to doing, and the idea I had in my head was not the same in real life. I still find it hard to accept that many of my ideas about what I wanted to become may never happen. I know that I am young and that it is a little (too) dramatic for me to say things like "I will never be x" when, as Steinbeck would say, the way is open.

I suppose it’s a centennial syndrome to feel that time is never enough and that, if it is not now, it will never be. I always had a problem to see the future, but also to fully enjoy the present. I feel that the future is always hunting me. 

So, I go to Linkedin, weremoto, freelance, joobles, any online job search page cross your mind and I always read the same job requested "specialized in ..." and I am shocked. How are you specialized in something at 22 years old? the term chokes me a little. I know several things, but specialist? I really admire people who know everything about a particular thing.. It seems to me that this implies a dedication and effort that not everyone is willing to do, or is not capable of. But it also becomes a problem when trying to find a space in this world. What does it mean if I don't specialize in something? The term reduces me, it makes me feel that if I choose a route, I cannot deviate to take another, because it’s a straight line, or well, yes, maybe it has some curves, but in the end, there’s only one destination. And the world is just too big, there’s so many things to learn and discover.. and sometimes I just want it all.

Sometimes I would like to have a magic ball that would tell me the future, like those black ones that give you an answer to your questions with a "no / yes / don’t know" but I want an answer that is real, with foundations, arguments and other explanations. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's thinking that what if I'm wrong? everyone says you can start again, that you are young. Maybe I’m too young? And what happens when you are no longer young and can’t start again? Perhaps what I’m trying to say with this maze of words is that having an open field in front of you can sometimes become overwhelming, threatening, and hard, full of fear. And that sometimes they say that you’re "too young", but they seem to forget that although being very young has many positive things, it has a lot of uncertainty and heaviness. 

My favorite word is "timshel" and, as I repeated above, Steinbeck wrote it. He says, and I quote from his book literally:  "But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—‘Thou mayest’—that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open.” I always thought it was very true and beautiful, and that's why I tattooed it on my wrist a few years ago, in an attempt to make it a constant reminder that you can be conditioned, but never determined. 

Anyway, I would love to know if you ever felt this way, and, if you did, how are you doing?



8 comentarios

  1. Babe this was such a good read, sometimes I get like this, but the way I look at things is that there is beauty in having things happen in the right time <3

    Serene xoxo

  2. that's such a positive way to think! I love it :)

  3. I know the feelings/feeling you are describing so well! I have no real answer as to how to deal with it, but I try to do something every day, even if it is just listening to a podcast that makes me feel like I'm doing something active towards what I want to achive ��

  4. Thanks for sharing this! It means so much too me! I think that I also can understand your feelings.
    The Wallet Heaven


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