A veces intentamos ser nuestra mejor versión posible porque sabemos que el otro merece recibir toda la luz que hay dentro nuestro.. pero no siempre llega.
Porque a veces las voces hablan muy fuerte y no nos dejan. Y esa mañana fue la ultima vez que te vi. No. No te vi. Fue mirarnos.
En ese momento se vinieron a mi cabeza infinidades de momentos, pero el que mas recordé, (sera por un error del inconsciente o por alguna razón que nunca descifrare) fue la vez que caminamos al costado de las vías al amanecer, con un cielo lleno de colores pasteles y un sol radiante que atinaba a salir; Nosotros reíamos y bailábamos, como si fuésemos las ultimas dos personas en la gran ciudad, mientras todos dormían.
Tampoco logre descifrar porque tenemos esa necesidad de recordar cada cosa. No queremos perder un minuto sin documentarlo, ya sea escrito, hablado o congelado en una fotografía. En ese momento quise recordar todo y nunca dejarlo ir, en una sola fracción de segundo.
¿Por que tenemos miedo de olvidar?
Vos te fuiste a buscar mas errores, porque eso es lo único que sabias hacer, porque sabia que lo ibas a hacer hasta que lograras encontrar a alguien que fuese tan adicto a lo toxico como vos.
No olvidar. Pense en una frase que había escuchado una vez en una película: "no sentir nada por miedo a sentir es un desperdicio". Me la repetí una y otra vez, como un disco rayado, mientras te veía partir. Quise convencerme de no volver a mis errores pasados, de no forzarme a no sentir, de no transmitir algo que no era verdad. Quise ser fiel a mi misma, a pesar del dolor de verte marchar. Sabia que iba a volver a pasarme, probablemente mas veces de las que pudiera pensar en ese instante, y que debía entregarme de cualquier manera. Vivís una sola vida. Otra vez lo repetí. Otra vez el disco rayado.
Estabamos en esa terminal. Pero esperabamos destinos distintos. Nuestra historia siempre se habia basado en eso, siempre en continuas despedidas y en intensos reencuentros, siempre uno partiendo y el otro llegando.
Nos miramos. Te imagine en la duda de quedarte o irte, de hacer un cambio a los 89' o de ser fiel a lo que tu instinto te había dictado desde el día 1.
Que va, llamar un día entero a ese sentimiento seria demasiado. Siempre supe que ibas a subirte y ibas a irte muy lejos, lejos de mi. Y fui viendo el proceso, pero mirando para otro lado, como quien no quiere ver la cosa.
Escuche arrancar los motores, y supe que no ibas a bajarte y buscarme, pero sin embargo espere. Espere porque quise creer que todo iba a estar bien, y que no me había fallado a mi misma y mis instintos.. una vez mas.
Pero entendí que uno debería irse cuando el otro se va, y no esperar por si vuelve. No esperar un grito cuando ya estamos dándonos vuelta, y dejando todo atrás, no escuchar un "elijamos el mismo camino".
Sometimes we try to be the best version of ourselves because we know that the other person deserves all the light inside of us.. but it doesn't always show up.
Because sometimes the voices talk to loud and they don't let us. And that morning was the last time that I saw you.
No. I didn't see you. We look at each other.
At that moment infinit memories came to my mind, but the one that I remember the most (maybe it's a mistake in the unconscious or maybe it's a reason I'll never deciphered) was the time we walked alongisde the tracks at dawn, with a sky full of pastel colours and a radiant sun that was trying to get in, as if we were the last two people in the big city, while everyone was sleeping.
I can't decipher why we have that need to remember everything. We don't want to waste a minute without documenting it, whether written, spoken or frozen in a photograph. At that moment I wanted to remember everything and never let it go, all in a single fraction of a second.
Why are we so afraid to forget?
You went to look for more mistakes, because that's the only thing you knew how to do, because I knew you were going to do it until you could find someone who was as addicted to toxic stuff as you are.
Don't forget. I thought of a phrase I had heard once in a movie: "not feeling anything for fear of feeling is a waste". I repeated it again and again, like a broken record, while I watched you leave. I wanted to convince myself not to return to my past mistakes, and don't force myself to not feel, or to transmit something that wasn't true. I wanted to be faithful to myself, despite the pain of seeing you leave. I knew it was going to happen again, probably more times than I could think at that moment, and that I had to give myself anyway. You only live one life. I repeated it again. Again the broken record.
We were in that terminal. But we expected different destinations. Our history had always been based on that, always in continuous farewells and intense reunions, always one leaving and the other arriving.
We look at each other. I imagined you in the doubt of staying or leaving, of making a change in the minute 89 'or being faithful to what your instinct had dictated to you from day 1.
What am I saying, calling that feeling a whole day would have been too much. I always knew that you were going far away, away from me. And I was watching the process, but looking the other way, pretending that I actually could not realize what was going on.
I heard the engines start, and I knew that you were not going to get off and look for me, but nevertheless I wait. I waited because I wanted to believe that everything was going to be fine, and that I hadn't failed myself and my instincts... one more time.
But I understood that one should leave when the other leaves, and not wait for a return. I shouldn't have waited for a call out when we are already turning around, and leaving everything behind, and not listening to a "let's choose the same path".
Paula • 
